I write because I have to write. I have been writing since I was in third grade. At first it was about my dog and now it is still about my dog and sometimes about my men. All right, all you readers out there in web land who gave me a hard time today about abandonment fears, I don’t believe you really feel any differently than me. I think we all share the same fears about opening your heart and so we stay in bad marriages and relationships thinking we are doing the right thing. There’s nothing wrong with doing that. I will argue, however, that each and every one of us is scared. We are so frightened of anything that shakes our emotional selves and so we avoid having that happen.
Today was not the best day for me. It seemed as if the universe was filled with shooting stars with very pointed edges that continually and unpredictably fell all over us. I was driving into the city and listening to Frank who always calms me when an enormous Cadillac Explanation or whatever it is called drove into me. Literally! On Van Ness avenue! The man who was driving was an angry man who wanted to pretend it was my fault but the damage to my car clearly said it was done by the Explanation. I found myself frightened by the man and by his anger and wanted him to apologize to me which he never did. As a matter of fact, he never said one word to me. The policeman who was my guardian angel made him give all his documentation to me and kept asking me if I was hurt. I wasn’t hurt, just shaken like James Bond and his martini.
Protection against stress is hard to find and precious to have. We need to nurture it daily and remind ourselves that it should be a practice. I find that practicing love and forgiveness is the most important ritual I have. If I forget to practice I can so easily fall into fear and anger. People always tell me how strong I am and I know it is true. I have survived many things but the most difficult thing to do for me is to walk the line between kindness and weakness because the world confuses the two. Kindness seems to be love without looking for something in return and weakness seems to be fear. Is there a bumper sticker there?
Mercury goes retrograde on Friday so beware of any communication happening around that time. Tonight the air is soft and the sky, still. My garden is fragrant with the scent of gardenias and thoughts of tenderness. I believe in magic and always will.