A Sign

A Sign

My Daughter has been dead for nearly three years and I haven’t heard a word from her until yesterday, that is. You may think that sounds weird, but I was a big believer in communication with the dead.
Before she died, I believed there were all sorts of ghosts, spirits and parents out there who could and did communicate a lot! For the life of me I couldn’t get my Mom out of my head but now I like to hear her. Right after Tina died, I felt her near me, and I felt how worried she was to leave me. She could not get into her orbit and it was up to me to pray for her and to let her go which I did.
Dragon flies were plentiful around the bench she had last sat on in my garden and they stayed for days in the summer sun, something they never do. Reluctantly. They were Tina’s symbol.
She died a painful and terrible death and had quite a few minutes to struggle, to have changed her mind, to face the fact that it was too late, and to realize she would never see anyone here on earth again. I think she died because she didn’t see a way to happiness like many others who choose suicide. I think she had no idea what it would be like.
So, then I lost her and though the silence seemed right in the beginning, after a while it seemed wrong and bitter and empty and very unfair. It was a loud silence as if she had gone so far away that there was no trail to finding her and worse, she had lost the trail back to me.
I would chidingly talk to her photo when passing it in the hallway saying good morning and good night and ask why she was not in touch. I would try very hard to understand what her eyes were telling me. I would think about our time together when she was a child and what she was like and what we did together.
I came to know some of her friends better than I ever had when they were young. I reconnected with a babysitter who had been with us one summer. My way of healing was to keep listening to stories about my daughter and to keep on searching for understanding as to why she had ended out where she did.
I read through all her emails to me over the years both angry and loving. I looked at her artwork. I opened her trunk of childhood and removed dresses, coats, shoes and hats, holding each one in my hands, often pressing it to my face and always asking for a sign that she knew I was waiting to hear from her. That she knew I missed her.
I started to go to church but found many lacking. The expression on the faces of ministers often made me wonder what their diet was composed of. I never felt at home there and hated being greeted by strangers wanting to hug you.
Finally, I went to the church next door where Father Mike, my friend, was the priest. In the cavernous space filled sparsely with young and old, I found some serenity and I remembered how praying had helped me not be afraid of the dark as a kid. I began to pray. At first, it only took a minute before I went to sleep but as time went on there were so many people needing help.
You won’t understand this unless you have lost someone you love very much. Its just what people in mourning do.
Then one day everything changed. I was in the living room looking intently at a photograph of Tina and wishing once again I felt in touch with her. I said it out loud several times. I think I was beginning to cry.

Then my cell phone rang. It was my two-year-old granddaughter Rosemary, wanting to FaceTime with me. Rosemary was born one month after Tina died and my daughter and I think a part of Tina is in her. Rosemary wanted to talk about unicorns. Unicorns were Tina’s spirit animal.

I know I am in touch now and I got my sign

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8 responses to “A Sign”

  1. Vaughn Avatar

    I am so happy for you to get a sign. I love you.

  2. […] A Sign […]

  3. Jocelyn Avatar

    Oh how provocative, poignant, and pretty this is, Miss Lucinda. I got chills after reading it, and felt her there with you too. My mom and I were talking about Tina not too long ago, and remembering the good ol’ days. We shall always hold very fond memories of you guys in our hearts. Sending lots of light and love your way. Hugs from a distant long time friend. ❤️

  4. Michael Quinn Avatar
    Michael Quinn

    It is beautiful how you value life and obviously I’ve your family. Moms are both strong and tender, just as God invented you Moms to be. The world can contain such disappointment. Always choose life and the opportunity to be life-affirming!
    ( Children really know this)
    Fr Mike

  5. Katherine Shiatis Avatar
    Katherine Shiatis

    Soooooo beautiful! Just love this…Unicorns? I am on the look out. Just love that was Tina’s spirit animal. Hugs to you xx

  6. Elizabeth Delmonico Avatar
    Elizabeth Delmonico

    This is beautiful– stark, then tender.

  7. Hettie Ware Avatar
    Hettie Ware

    Lucinda, I have so many fond and clear memories of Tina. This story has touched my heart, yet made me sad to only have the memories. I am happy you have found your sign as I too know about them. I will always cherish the times spent with her and you. Thank you for sharing with such lovely writing! I miss you and hope to catch up with you sometime.
    Lots of love,

    1. lucindaw Avatar

      Thank you so much for responding to my memory of Tina. It meant a lot to me. I have many happy memories of you as well. Lots of love to you.

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