I wish I could write: “Last night I dreamed of Manderley”, but last night I dreamt of my father. It was the strangest dream I’ve ever had. I was on vacation with some friends, and I had promised my father to go on vacation with him. We were settling into our rooms when suddenly I saw my friends and wanted to leave him and go spend time with them.
He looked at me and seemed like a normal person. I was shocked, but not really shocked. I was more sad and I realized I felt compassion for him. He was much younger than he was when I last remember seeing him. He had on a brown fedora, and a brown sports jacket that had some other colors in it, and he seemed like someone who didn’t know how to connect with people.
I went back and stood next to him and said, “Don’t worry I would much rather spend time with you.”, and I realized I didn’t have any fear inside me anymore. I only thought here is a normal young man who would like to connect.
When I woke up from the dream this morning, I felt strangely peaceful, and as if all of the bad memories I had of my family in the past had been a erased.. I felt as if I had some protection around me and if anything happened that I didn’t like I could speak up.
I am surprised that I got this gift and I still don’t know where it came from. The night before last I had been woken up about 2:30 in the morning because I heard my daughter crying out to me. It was really odd because in fact, I knew it was my dog snoring, but sometimes she sounds like a person speaking.￼ Someday I’ll elaborate on that.
I don’t know why I’m getting all of these messages all of a sudden. I know it’s a very holy time of year to those of us who are Christian. I find the idea of going to church claustrophobic as I have never felt a part of that community. I’m happy to listen to an interesting sermon or look out the Stain-glass windows to see if I can see anything. I find the people that go to church particularly unfriendly. Even if they know me, they say things like”How nice to finally see you. “ Or, “we wondered where you had been.”
The thing that occurs to me is that life should not be about punitive measures taken when one doesn’t abide by certain rules or customs. Now is the time for all of us to accept everyone’s behavior, and try to understand it. Of course, this is not possible with violence. But for those of us who encounter in our daily lives, frustration or bitterness or competition or anger, it is possible to look beyond it and try to understand where it’s coming from.
The hurt that I felt as a child was unbearable to me. I feel as I’m getting older that I am beginning to understand how to protect myself from the pain of other equally wounded human beings. That’s a good thing.
It is Sunday after all.
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