Love: The haves and the have nots….

Is there an in between?  Some have love and some do not. Some live alone and some live with another. I have noticed that neither role seems to be completely fulfilling.

Over my 15 years of singlehood I have been tempted several times to jump into living together, marriage, whatever you might call it. I have met some nice men; fallen in love, and believed this time I had found my “forever” person. I am a romantic at heart. What can I say? Each time this has happened to me the period of being in love has lasted about 6 months. 6 months seems to be the magic amount of time in which you learn about your chosen one in most ways. Most good and bad habits are revealed to you and if you keep your eyes open you are able to discern what the other is about.

Many people chose to stay in a relationship as it is painful and lonely to leave and start again. I understand this choice.  I find that people are happier in a relationship and appear to feel more confident, cozy and safe. People like familiarity and predictability. A man I fell in love with about 15 years ago left me to return to his wife. I understood the choice but was left with a wound that took a long time to heal. People often chose to stay with their family as that is what we are taught to believe in. Families are supposed to make us happy as they are supposed to represent stability, love and faithfulness. It is really hard to believe that a deeper love is possible when one can give up a difficult and unhappy family life. Most people don’t try to imagine this.

I find this confusing as it has been my observation that many people in families feel as if they don’t have enough space or time to themselves, particularly women, though I have heard this from some men as well. Women often feel as if they are overwhelmed by all the requirements of their lives from their children to their careers to managing the household. Men feel as if they are underappreciated and have no idea what they can do to change the picture. Both sexes are often confused and bewildered about what happened to the fun and loving times they had during their first 6 months together.

Each of us longs for a partner to go home to but the trouble is, most of us create this partner out of our romantic dreams and not out of what is there in front of us. So when what is there in front of us acts like them, we are frustrated.

I think the answer may be in really refusing to meld with the other person we are in a relationship with and insisting on holding on to our boundaries. Most people today, for some unknown reason, have trouble with this. We are all a group of co-dependant people. We meet, we fall in love, and we instantly bond with another. It feels so good to do this. As we age it gets really hard not to do this as we want so badly not to be alone for our remaining years. It gets riskier to fall in love as well as our ability to recover from a broken heart is not as good.

All in all, I couldn’t live without love or the possibility of love. I will keep on being open to this possibility. I am tracing the outline of my body on the sidewalk outside the house and lying down within it each day. I am still learning my own boundaries. I am permeable but like the membrane of a single cell, but know the importance of single cell nourishment.

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