abandonment

After a holiday with friends and family I feel almost guilty writing about abandonment but I can’t help it. I am so blessed with wonderful family I shouldn’t complain. For those of us who live alone life can feel incredibly lonely at times and then again almost euphoric at other times. I struggle with abandonment a lot. It is one of those things we are not supposed to mention particularly in mixed company. It is not appropriate to speak of those harsh nights when you come home from work and know there is no one there to share your day with. Sometimes you go over in your mind your attractiveness quotient: how smart you are,  lovely,  sexually appealing, compelling, and still come up short for how could you be alone if all the previous categories were ranked on a high level? It is embarrassing to confess loneliness to anyone as it is an embarrassing condition. The world expects single people to remain silent on their condition. The world knows people who have partners are happier, healthier and generally more competent yet half the world is single. That is the interesting figure to me. Somewhere out there are many, many people who live alone and feel the same things I feel. That is what keeps me going.I think to myself I may be alone forever yet if I remember to remember there are so many other people who are living alone just as I am I feel comforted. I have to believe that someday I will find my heart’s desire:  just like the beach in Robert Haas’s wonderful poem, he will arrive on my doorstep and I will know him. The trick is to continue to believe this will happen.

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