Eight years ago I lost a child to suicide. It changed my life forever but this information has to be kept to myself the majority of the time. Before I lost Tina, I never thought about what to say to people when they suffered a great loss. Like most people I would say I am so sorry when I would see friends that had lost loved ones in their lives. But just like Andy Warhol used to say that people have five minutes of fame in their lives, the truth of the matter is most people have about five minutes of sympathy for those that will live the rest of their lives in sadness all the while pretending that everything is fine.
I am not complaining, but simply stating a fact. If a tragedy happens to you, you will find that most of the world forgets about it after the first few months. Most people never ask you directly how you’re doing because they figure enough time has passed so that you have healed, which is important to people in the world. Let me tell you something: you never heal from losing a child. The pain of that loss is like a low-grade fever and it’s there simmering along with you and your life for the rest of your life. How can you possibly forget? Its like having one of your fingers cut off and thinking you still have it.
I went out to dinner with some old friends the other night, whom I love very much. They’ve been a part of my life for a very long time. I do notice, however, that even with people like this if I bring up my daughter’s name or want to talk about her there’s a distinct chill in the air and a nervous pull -back from the conversation. I want to say to these friends ”Hey! I’d like to talk about my daughter and I’d like to talk about stuff she did and how wonderful she was and how funny and how educated and how loving she was.”
I know if I did that it would make my friends uncomfortable and they would try to change the subject, thinking it wasn’t good for me to look back or to dwell on the pain of loss. They would be wrong. It is good for me to be able to talk about my daughter with certain people. I love to reminisce about the things that she did. I love to talk about how smart she was and how much fun she was and most of all how much I loved her.
What I’ve learned in these eight years since she’s been gone is that it’s very tricky and that you have to be very careful who you discuss these things with because the majority of people are very uncomfortable with other people talking about loss. I’m writing this because I still think it’s important for people to know that those of us who have survived the loss of a child would really appreciate the opportunity now and then to be able to talk about that child without having others be so obviously uncomfortable. I’d love to be able to cry in front of people and have them be OK with that.
I’d love to be able to show my grief to my friends and have them sit and hold my hand and just quietly listen without having to jump in and change the subject thinking it was bad for me to be dwelling on this.
It’s not bad for someone to express the pain of this kind of loss. It’s really helpful to be able to have a safe environment in which you can do this. It’s so comforting to have conversations where you can reminisce about the person that you’ve lost and it’s so comforting to have people also join in and share their memories.
Let me be very clear: you never get over this loss. It doesn’t matter if it’s been one year or 20 years the pain is still there as if it were yesterday. You just learn to hide it from the world.
If there’s one thing that you take away from this short essay, please don’t let it be pity. Let it be the understanding that for those of us who have suffered this kind of loss, sharing the loss and sharing the memories with people we love is how we continue to heal, and what keeps us engaged in life and in joy. Tina was a joyful person and I love to remember that. I will also always remember the strength of her love for me which sustains me now and will do
so forever.