notes from a dachshund: a never ending story

Wonder how to be a happy single girl? So here’s the trick…have a lot of men in your life and make certain they all adore you and hope they will get lucky one day or another. Never think the one you are with should be the one and only. If you do you will be shaky like the leaf at the end of October suspended from an old oak. Cultivate men like ears of cord: flatter them, fertilize them(dachshund secret!) and then harvest them. The next line I am leaving up to your imagination.We dachshunds have an enormous imagination: we needed it in the past for understanding other animals we were hunting. This use is no different! Use your imagination to cultivate men as companions as the more you have in your life, the happier a girl will be. Men are like great old quilts: you need to hand wash them and occasionally hang them out in the sun but not long enough to let their colors fade. If you know what I mean by that you are one step ahead of me. She is finally having a good time in life. I have been trying to tell her about the men collection for a long time but she always got it wrong. she thought you had to be in love with just one guy and  never see any others as that would be disloyal.Now that line of thinking is just plain old silly. I am not saying you have to be disloyal, just that you should have a lot of male admirers around if you want to have a happy life. Men are just plain old nicer to a girl than women. Men look at your ass as you walk away because they are thinking about the biggest word they know! SEX!   Women look at you ass as you walk away and think about whether or not it looks better than theirs. Men always think you are younger than women think you are. Men love the way you dress. Women are constantly wondering why your hair always looks good and whether you have had plastic surgery. Men love your smell and women offend you by wearing too much scent. The whole competitive business is ridiculous if you ask me. I find that men relate to me. Maybe it is because I have such a good nose for business. (get it?) I am an intelligent dog yet I know when to shut up. That’s another thing a lot of women don’t know how to do. She knows how to shut up. Actually I have heard her indirectly tell others to shut up. She does it by closing her eyes in the middle of a conversation and acting like she is thinking and needs quiet. Actually she is going quietly nuts as the other person is talking too loudly or shrilly. She hates shrill.I do as well. We dogs do have incredibly sensitive ears as you may know and high voices are hard for us. Now there’s a good place to spend money if you have a voice problem. Voice over school. I took classes there for a while. I have a lovely sweet voice and was offered the role of Maria in the sound of music in the dachshund chorus but I couldn’t take time off from being her dog. She needs me, you see, despite the fact that she has a chorus of men now.  Or should I say a bevy or maybe a bounty, or perhaps a flock, a herd, or a strategic alliance. Anyway life here in Lucindaland is good.

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